Feelings are overrated.
Yeah, I know. Not the usual thing you hear from a therapist. I do have the usual faces “Emotions Chart” on the wall of my office.
That's because I work with kids. Any grownup who doesn't know what they're feeling probably…well. Ahem. Needs therapy.
But feelings in themselves are not that useful except as indicators of thoughts.
Thoughts/beliefs/opinions…they are where the gold mine is. Thoughts generate feelings. Feelings tend to generate action.
I liken feelings to weather. It comes and goes, it's sunny or rainy or stormy or there's a tornado…but it passes. People get caught up in their emotions, in managing them, trying to muscle them into something else. But really, who can harness the wind?
I think feelings are better just endured, as the weather plays across a landscape. Pay attention to them in that they can provide clues to what's really going on in your thoughts… but don't let them dictate much of anything.
Emotion-driven decisionmaking is usually a disaster. Or a disaster waiting to happen on top of a quagmire of possible horrific consequences. Daydream about THAT for awhile. Make decisions out of considered values and to meet goals.
You CAN control your emotions by managing your thoughts, physical being, and by doing actions that eventually get responses going in yourself that change emotions. But sometimes, it's just not worth it.
Put your head down and endure the mood, wait for it to pass. Know it will. And don't to anything self destructive to make things worse.
Like doing the F-word as your blog topic. I bet someone did. For me, that would not be a choice in line with my values, tempting as it is. This is the last of the daily blogging for me; I just can't keep it up and it's time to go back to what I can sustain with my blog, without compromising quality content.
Anyone else struggle with Feelings?
Oh, it’s over? š I was enjoying these. I understand, though–don’t think I could have done that only working ONE job part-time.
And yes, feelings are overrated–but I’m a CBT follower, so that’s where it comes from. š I’ve missed talking to you while you were doing all this!
Thanks for the comment my dear I’ve missed you too! Psycho week. (therapist joke, LOL)
Toby, I think every writer thinks “if only there were two of me I could write everything I want to write.” But even that wouldn’t be enough.
Yes and again, yes!
A lot of what you wrote rang true with me.
I’ve learnt to pay attention to my feelings, experience them while they’re there, and know that even though they can be very intense, they’re fleeting by nature.
Whether or not you continue A to Z-ing, I’ll still pop in. So glad to have met you through the challenge š
Great to have made a new friend! Thanks so much for the connection.
Much aloha
Thanks for your posts so far, and A-Z or not, I’ll be dropping in from time to time.
Thrilled to hear it, you’re a wonderful writer!
I used to really let my feelings control me, but I realized how unhealthy it was – especially when it came to negative emotions – so I’ve been trying hard over the last few years to acknowledge them, deal with them and move on to happier things so that I can be a happier (and healthier) person. Another great post!
Thanks Marie for stopping by and commenting–and finding great blogs like yours was one of the things I got out of the challenge.
PS – A-Z or not, I’ll continue to drop by because I really like your blog and think you’re super cool! lol š
Just found you after you came by my blog http://thewritejoyce.blogspot.com It is hard to write everyday. I am going very short tomorrow. But feel I need to complete this. I did the F-word, as you know. I hope it was with style.
Enjoyed your post on Feelings.
Aloha!
You sure did it tastefully! Glad you stopped by.
I love your site and as I browsed your blog I decided to award you the Powerful Woman Writer Award.
Go to http://astorybookworld.blogspot.com/p/awards.html and pick up your award.
~Deirdra
Wow, thanks so much Deidra! I’m following you too.
Aloha!
Great post! You are right about kids not always knowing what the emotions they are feeling really are. Good point.
I work with kids too and they blame everyone but themselves for their emotions. Then again, it’s not just kids. I read a book once about controlling anger, that when people ‘push your buttons’ you’re letting them being on control of your emotions. In class we tell the kids to choose their attitude and I find myself having to do that over an over again in the course of a day. I think being able to label your feelings is important, the next step would be owning responsibility for them.
Very thoughtful and accurate comment, thanks for sharing!
I am much too stoic for feelings. ;’) I love this:
Put your head down and endure the mood, wait for it to pass. Know it will. And donāt to anything self destructive to make things worse.
I like this post. Right now I’ve been reading this self therapy book (that hasn’t been published yet) about managing emotions. I love how the author made it a point to say that feelings or emotions don’t last forever and not lot allow negative situations to cause you to give up on life completely. Nice post!
Social Science Medley
Thanks for stopping in to comment!
Oh my gosh Toby, I couldn’t disagree with you more. So vehemently that my eyes were skipping around on your post, I probably missed some important sentences because I couldnāt force them to stay on the right lines!
Here are some counterpoints. I donāt believe that a thought is always behind a feeling. (A lot of times, definitely, not every timeā¦) What about a mother who just found out that her 7 year old has cancer? How could she think her way out of that one? Or the feelings of a rape victim? What thoughts are behind her feelings? Or people after a tsunami? ā¦.or the inexplicable joy that you experience when youāve felt lonely and you finally feel connected and loved by someoneā¦
For me truth in its most fundamental form is in my naāauā¦.gutā¦spirit. sometimes it can be an open channel to god. Feelings, for me, are often connectivity between that level and the cognitive level.
The inner journey.
Feelings are a lantern that illuminate the path of the inner journey. People struggle to avoid the unpleasant feelingsā¦it takes self acceptance and incredible courage to go towards them.
You can follow them to your core, to the epicenter of your being, the point from which all of the other tremors spring. Find whatās at that epicenter, go past it, and find the place where all of us are the Same.
Itās not that Iām calling CBT shallow. Or inferior. Itās not either one. Itās an amazing agent for liberation. Teaching people to emancipate themselves from the bondage of patterns that are dictated by thinking errors can be profound, life altering, important. But sometimes thereās moreā¦.sometimes it doesnāt get at the heart of the truth.
My bottom line goes something like this: feelings are true. Usually. (Sometimes we get carried away, like me this weekend fighting with my husband, wow, you should have been here, I was definitely way offā¦) In my experience (work, but more fundamentally: my self, my relationships) they are often a condensed form of truth with the power to lead you deeper and deeperā¦..
WHY am I not packing right now. This was the best distraction EVER. WAY TOO LONG.
I’m so glad you got distracted and shared this with me. I didn’t say feelings weren’t true, only that sometimes circumstances can’t be changed, and suffering must be endured. Which is in line with your examples–the grief, loss,trauma…don’t try to shortcut, just be in it until it begins to pass, and don’t dwelll on thoughts that will make it worse.
I also think personality plays a role, whether you are primarily a “feeler” or a “thinker”… I believe I’m pretty balanced both, I have an ENFJ profile on the Myers=Briggs, Extroverted Intuitive Feeling Judging, which is actually not as common a profile as some… so that’s informed my practice and outlook. I feel deeply, but I think about it and judge it for usefulness. It’s helped me steer a course through life and achieve goals, and not be waylaid by my own (significant) trauma history.
For me, and what I try to help clients see, is to use their feelings to detect their thoughts and beliefs. Keep those that are “useful” and examine the truth of those that are not. Of course that excepts the very real horrors many people are enduring at this moment.
Thanks so much Diana, for caring enough to read and comment! aloha and friendship always. T
I struggle with feelings at times, but then again I just go about writing until I sort out all of the dark stuff. It’s a fairly therapeutic release for me. Thanks for sharing, and it’s a pleasure to meet you via the A-Z Challenge!
this is a really helpful post. Nothing I didn’t know but very well put. Thanks. I especially liked the 3rd paragraph from the end